The truth about being homeless | Guest post
17:00Today I thought I would try something different so the lovely Ayele, from A sense of home has written a guest post. I can't wait for you guys to read it and make sure you give her lots of love.
Dear, You
If I were to tell you my story right now, all you would take from it Is that I am lucky. This might be because yes, I was homeless , I did sleep in airports, fast food benches, parks and laundry mats with my father when we ran of money for our many hotel stays, but I have a bed to sleep on now, and host parents who support me. I have my own apartment downstairs because I was lucky enough that my host parents had a big house. But just because I have a roof over my head now, doesn't mean I will in a year once my sentence has run out. It doesn't lessen the fear of being homeless again. It doesn't ease my mind when I am depressed because I'm constantly thinking of the future I am never going to have because of lack of opportunities.
You know what Homelessness does to you?
It likes to play mind games with you because you're always thinking and rethinking everything. You're left questioning the intentions of everyone who comes in your life, even your loved ones. It colors every aspect of your live with fear of the unknown. It consumes you until you forget to live in the moment because all you can think about is the future. And rightfully so because how can you stop worrying about the future when your present is fallen apart. How can you live when you have nothing to live for?
Homelessness is a thief.
It steals your right to feel secure. In your future. In your life. Of your thoughts, In people, In your dream. It steals your right to hope. it steals your right to dream because of the fear that it might not come true. But the absolute worst thing it can do to you, is make you think that you are alone, even if you have people in your corner that would do everything in their powers to make sure you are safe.
Sometimes I kind of hate my father because he was the reason I became homeless.
My mom sent her only child to America because she wanted a better future for me. She wanted me to have an Education so that I can help her and my family out of poverty once I have a job and am settle in . She risked everything for me so that I can make it in life. So that I can do better than she did, but all I can give back in return are a bunch of ignored calls.
You might be wondering why I was and still am ignoring my mom's calls. You might be judging me because I am a bad daughter and I agree with you. I feel just as worst about myself the times I do return her calls and she tells me that all she does is spend days and nights worrying about me because she haven't heard from me in a year or two. I feel just as bad about myself when I promise her I would call her more knowing that I am lying to her. I feel just bad and the only way I can feel better is if I out the blame it on my father because he is the reason that I am homeless. He made me promise not to tell my mom and I hate him for that.
Trust me I am tired of making up excuses for him when she calls. I am tired of telling her that he is a work or that he is at the library, the church, sleeping etc.. and that's why he can't come to the phone.
I do not want to lie to my mom. In fact I want to tell her everything because she is the only one that would ease the void in my heart. I need her to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need her so much more now than ever and I can't reach out to her because of my father. The same one that abandoned me since I was born to be a father to his other children. I hate him a little for that because my mom trusted him to care for me. But all he did was spend the little money he did have on whores in Africa and flirted with any young thing with a leg that breathes.
I feel like I deserved to be cared for and loved at 11 years old. I deserved to be a kid. I deserve that just as much as the next person. I didn't have to grow up at 11 and I didn't have to start looking all men as if they were the devil. I shouldn't have to learn to take care of myself at such a young age because I was the only one who cared. I deserved to feel what a father's love felts like. I hate him for making me the way I am and for putting me in this situation.
By asking me not to tell my mom, he put me in the middle of him and my mother. And I hate myself for betraying my mother by listening to him when my mother was the one who cared for me the most. Because of him, I have a phone card collecting dust on my bedside table with no one to reach.
So if I were to tell you my story, You would say I am lucky because I don't have to use being homeless as an excuse not to succeed. You would tell me that I can still make it and that I have people in my corner that care for me but what you don't know is that : No matter the amounts of support I get, I can't stop feeling like I am alone because I am the only one who can understand my experiences. I am the one going trough it. You're the outsider and although you now know a little part of my story, You still don't know me.
I am still homeless both physically and at heart.
Yours Truly,
Ayele.
Ayele's Blog
8 comments
I don't know what to say! I've never felt this emotion before and this post has created a lump on my throat. My wishes and prayers go to you as you never deserved this. I hope that one day the trauma of being homeless fades or gets replaced with love and support. This was a great guest post Ayele!
ReplyDeleteNajida | The Average Gurl x
www.theaveragegurl.wordpress.con
This post was fantastic! I don't think I have ever been this enthralled by a story. The fact that you put this on to your blog is so wonderful and it shows a lot about you! Thank you for giving Ayele a voice on a bigger platform: it is truly inspiring xx
ReplyDeletewww.Runnerella.blogspot.com
it is very touching and meaning!
ReplyDeletejess x | https://wellwellgirls.blogspot.co.uk/
What a touching story! And the thing is, there still are many homeless people who have interesting stories as to why they've ended up on the streets. This post really just reminds me that I must be grateful for anything and every opportunity handed to me. It also indicates that life throws every human at least one curveball and in order to dodge it, you have to thrive through it by learning.
ReplyDeleteBBB xx www.beautybeblogger.blogspot.co.uk/
I forgot to comment on this post when I read it, but I just wanted to thank you for giving me a voice on your blog. It is truly the best gift I've ever received. I appreciate this a lot. Thank you !
ReplyDeletewishing you all the best,
ayele.
https://asenseofhomeblog.blogspot.com/
This is so sad but amazing! I hope you are ok! Super super super awesome post!
ReplyDeleteNabila // Hot Town Cool Girl
This was so sad! However, it was also very, very touching. I think the fact that we can't understand, although it might make you feel lonely, doesn't lessen the fact that people will be there for you even if they might not be able to relate. And it's beautiful! I hope the best things come your way :)
ReplyDeleteonmywayacqua.blogspot.com | Acqua xx
This is so heartbreaking but I am incredibly proud of you for writing this. And especially as it is so wonderfully written xxx
ReplyDeleteCharlotte
http://vieaveccharlotte.blogspot.co.uk/
Thankyou for commenting, it means so much! Love Laura x